Annie Hall script There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort One of 'em says, ¡°The food at this place is really terrible.¡± The other one says, ¡°Yeah, I know. And such small portions.¡± That's essentially how I feel about life Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness And it's all over much too quickly The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind Cos I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top That's about the worst you can say about me I think I'm gonna get better as I get older I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? A year ago we were¡­ in love, you know And¡­ It's funny¡­ I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character I¡­ I¡­ You know¡­ I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything - Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker It's something he read Something he read, uh? - The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that will be the end of everything What is that your business? He stopped doing his homework - What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. But I was brought up under the roller coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little. I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. There he is. And there I am. I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. We had a saying: ¡°Those who can¡±t do, teach, and those who can¡°t teach, teach gym.¡± And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. Seven and three is nine Even then, I knew they were just jerks. In 1942 I had already discovered women. He kissed me! He kissed me! That's the second time this month! Step up here - What did I do? - Step up here! You should be ashamed of yourself Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds I did For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy Tell the folks where you are today I run a profitable dress company Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company I sell tallises I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict I'm into leather I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. They did not take me in the army. I was¡­ Interestingly enough¡­ I was 4-p In the event of war, I'm a hostage You always only saw the worst in people You never could get along with anyone in school You were always out of step with the world Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, ¡°Jew.¡± You're crazy We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, ¡°Jew.¡± Alvy, you're a total paranoid I pick up on those kinda things I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, ¡°Did you eat yet or what?¡± And Tom Christie said, ¡°No. D'you?¡± Not ¡°Did you¡±. ¡°D'you eat?¡± ¡°D'you?¡± Not ¡°Did you eat?¡± but ¡°D'you eat?¡± ¡°Jew?¡± You get it? ¡°Jew eat?¡± - Max¡­ - Stop calling me Max Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy looking at me in a funny way and saying, ¡°We have a sale this week on Wagner.¡± Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly Right, Max California, Max - Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage is that you can make a right turn on a red light Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes Are you on television? Once in a while. Occasionally - What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter You were on the¡­ uh¡­ The Johnny Carson, right? Once in a while, you know What's your name? I'm¡­ I'm Robert Redford Come on! Alvy Singer. It was nice¡­ Thanks very much for everything Hey! What? This is Alvy Singer! Fellas, you know¡­ This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? - Give me a break. - This guy's on television I need a large polo mallet - Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? - What programme? - Can I have your autograph? - You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend Make it out to Ralph - Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? Alvy Singer over here! It's all right, fellas Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? - I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. - You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! please. I have a headache, all right? You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it - Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago That's it. Forget it. I can't go in - Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already I can't go in in the middle We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish - You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in - Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed All right. So what do you wanna do? I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish Cos¡­ Cos I'm anal That's a polite word for what you are We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best It lacks a cohesive structure You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke Well, stop listening to him He's screaming his opinions in my ear Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. I found it incredibly¡­ indulgent He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers The key word here is indulgent Without getting¡­ - What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept - How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? It's like Samuel Beckett I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level - I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. Weltanschauung is what it is probably on their first date probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? It's the influence of television Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high¡­ high intensity. You understand? A hot medium¡­ What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here Just let me¡­ Come over here a second I heard what you were saying You know nothing of my work You mean my whole fallacy is wrong How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing Boy, if life were only like this! June 14th, 1940. The German army occupies paris. All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card and you'd tell 'em everything That movie makes me feel guilty Yeah, cos it's supposed to Alvy¡­ What? What¡­ What's the matter? I don't¡­ I don't know It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy When we first started going out, we had sex constantly We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all You've been married before. You know how things can get You were very hot for Allison at first You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about 20 minutes Excuse me. When do I go on? Who are you? Alvy Singer I'm a comedian Oh, comedian. Yeah Oh. You're on next What do you mean, next? I'm¡­ You're on right after this act No, it can't be. Because he's a comic Yes - You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian It's OK No. Because they're laughing. So I'd¡­ rather not Will you relax? They're gonna love you I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? - They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? Jesus! What's your name? Allison Yeah? Allison what? portchnik - That's nice. - Thank you Allison portchnik So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis On what? political Commitment in 20th-Century Literature. You're like¡­ New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented¡­ Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly - I think you're cute. - Do you? Go ahead I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos¡­ I'm not essentially a political comedian at all I interestingly had¡­ dated a woman in the Eisenhower administration briefly And it was ironic to me cos¡­ Cos I was trying to do to her what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years I'm sorry. I can't go through with this I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? It doesn't make sense! I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough to hit a moving target at that range But¡­ if there was a second assassin¡­ - That's it! - We've been through this They recovered the shells from that rifle OK. What are you saying now? Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? Well, why not? Yeah. Earl Warren? Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren Lyndon Johnson? Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have It's like a notch underneath child molester Then everybody's in on the conspiracy The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House I would leave out the men's room attendant You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me Oh, my God! She's right Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member? Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house Stop it! Go for that one there Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. It's the lobster squad They're only baby ones, for God's sakes - If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! - Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator It'll turn up in our bed at night Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish Hey, look. put it in the pot I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! You think we're gonna take him to the movies? Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator I can't get it out. This thing's heavy Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out I'm gonna get my camera I think if I could pry the door off¡­ We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! pick this lobster up. Hold it, please You're gonna take pictures now? Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! Oh, God! That's disgusting! One more, Alvy. please! Oh, good! Good! Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? Oh, no. No, no Really? Who was? There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? You should have seen what I looked like then. I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. Then there was Jerry, the actor. Look at you. You're such a clown I look pretty You always look pretty. But that guy¡­ Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious Like a kind of liberating consciousness It's like a visual poem Is he kidding with that crap? Oh, right I think I know exactly what you mean when you say ¡°religious¡± You do? - Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year It's like when I think of dying - You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional¡­ I don't think you like emotion too much Touch my heart¡­ with your foot I may throw up He was creepy I think you're pretty lucky I came along Oh, really? Well, la-de-da If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl who used expressions like la-de-da¡­ You really like those New York girls - Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell Two more chairs, they got a dining room set - Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV Is that paul Goodman? No Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. Commentary. Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. No jokes. These are friends, OK? Here you are There's people out there Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14 points, and now they're ahead two points What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? What is fascinating is that it's physical Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant and have no idea what's going on But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie as we now know Stop acting out It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation and we'll be in here quietly humping Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? He said, as he removed her brassiere There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! Oh, my God What would they think? Damn siren! OK. Don't get upset Dammit! I was so close! Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down You wanna have them shut down the airport too? No more flights so we can have sex? I'm too tense. I need a Valium My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner The screens with the dead moths behind 'em You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? It's quiet now. We can start again I can't. My head is throbbing - You got a headache? - I have a headache Bad? - Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! Where are you going? I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers Max, my serve will send you to the showers early The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism Max, the city is terribly run I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism The rest of the country sees New York as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad Sun, milk, red meat, college I know, but I¡­ Egad. Here he comes You know Alvy? This is Janet This is Annie Hall This is Alvy Who's playing with who? You and me against them? - I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons Hi! Well¡­ Bye You play very well Oh, yeah? So do you Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? You say, ¡°You play well¡± and then right away I have to say, ¡°You play well.¡± Oh! God, Annie. Well¡­ Oh, well You want a lift? Oh, why? You got a car? Me? No. I was gonna take a cab Oh, no. I have a car You have a car? I don't understand. If you have a car, so then¡­ why did you say, ¡°Do you have a car?¡± Like you wanted a lift? I don't¡­ I don't¡­ Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't¡­ It's¡­ I've got this VW out there What a jerk! Yeah Would you like a lift? Sure. Which way are you going? Me? Downtown I'm going uptown Well, you know, I'm going uptown too You just said you were going downtown Sorry I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone So where do you know Janet from? - I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? Well, I do commercials, sort of - You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls - Where? - Wisconsin You're driving a tad rapidly Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good - You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks Hey, don't¡­ No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! - I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving Oh, you do? I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility Nice car. You keep it nice Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? Huh? Oh, yeah I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here - You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot Well¡­ Thank you You're a wonderful tennis player and¡­ you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life Anyplace. Europe. The United¡­ Anyplace. Asia - And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? Oh, well, it's a¡­ This tie is a present from Grammy Hall Who? Grammy¡­ Grammy Hall? Yeah, my grammy Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? - Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks Well¡­ Thank you again Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure I've got time. I've got nothing¡­ till my analyst appointment Oh, you see an analyst? Yeah. Just for 15 years I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes 15¡­ Nah! Come on! Yeah? Really? Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality Oh, sorry I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975 ¡°Neat¡± went out, I would say, at the turn of the century Who are those photos on the wall? Oh! Well, you see now¡­ that's my dad That's Father. And that's my brother Duane - Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie - Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie¡­ Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George George was real sweet. He had that thing¡­ What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? - Narcolepsy. - Right, right! So anyway¡­ George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time because he was shell-shocked in the First World War Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey But the thing is, is that he falls asleep and he never wakes up! So¡­ so he's dead! He's dead. Yeah Oh, dear Well¡­ Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful It's a great story, though. It really made my day I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing Really? Well, maybe¡­ You know, I¡­ - You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything Didn't you take a shower at the club? Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place Why not? Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man Oh, I see. I see I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender You never know what's gonna happen - 15 years, huh? - 15 years, yeah. That's¡­ God bless You're what Grammy Hall would call ¡°a real Jew¡± Thank you Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you So did you do those photographs in there or what? Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! They're wonderful, you know. They have a¡­ a quality. You are a great-looking girl. Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don¡°t know what l¡±m saying. She senses lm shallow. Well¡­ to me¡­ I mean, it's¡­ it's¡­ It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! Well, I don't know I guess you must be sort of late, huh? You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I¡­ - Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? Oh, uh, no Oh, I'm sorry! I have something What about Saturday night? Nothing. No, no You're very popular, I can see - I know. - Do you have plague? Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a¡­ But I'm thinking about getting some cats Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna¡­ I'm gonna sing. Yeah You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? - This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come - Oh, no! - I'm interested I'm just¡­ I'm auditioning at this club. I don't¡­ - It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun It had to be you It had to be you I wandered around And finally found The somebody who Could make me be true Could make me be blue And even be glad Just to be sad Thinking of you I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! So the audience was a tad restless What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! - I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice - Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific I never even took a lesson, either Hey, listen. Give me a kiss - Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat - We'll digest our food better. - OK So now we can digest our food I'm gonna have the corned beef, please Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce So¡­ your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure And your first wife? Allison? She was nice, but¡­ That was my fault. I was just¡­ I was too crazy That was so nice That was nice As Balzac said, ¡°There goes another novel.¡± You were great Yeah. I'm wrecked - You're wrecked! - I mean it I will never play the piano again It was¡­ I don't know. You really thought it was good? Yes That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing Here. You want some? No. I¡­ I don't¡­ use any major hallucinogenics because I¡­ took a puff about five years ago at a party and¡­ Tried to take my pants off over my head Something got in one ear Well, I don't really¡­ I don't do it very often It just sort of relaxes me - You're not gonna believe this, but¡­ - What? I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them - Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me I have a very pessimistic view of life You should know this if we're gonna go out I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life And the miserable is everyone else So you should be thankful that you're miserable You're very lucky to be miserable Look at that guy In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there He's just come back from the gin rummy finals placed third Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance - Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think ¡°Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.¡± There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy - No, I'm not. - Yes, you are You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse What does that mean? I don't know what that is You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited You know what? I like you I really do like you Do you love me? That's the key question I know you've only known me a short while I think that's sort of¡­ Yeah. Yeah, yeah Do you love me? Love is¡­ too weak a word for¡­ the way I feel I lurve you. You know, I loave you I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent¡­ Of course I do. Don't you think I do? I don't know You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? Of course - But why? - I'm moving in with you - But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment - I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing You know, bugs are¡­ Entomology is a rapidly growing field - You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? - Whose idea was it? - Mine It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? - How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy - That place is $400 a month? - Yes, it is It's got bad plumbing and bugs Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it - You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? Adult education's a wonderful thing You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating Does this sound like a good course? ¡°Modern American poetry¡±? Or let's see now. Maybe I should take¡­ ¡°Introduction to the Novel¡± Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday - Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful I get too wonderful for words I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love - Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed - before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time - Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? - No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once Wait. I got a great idea Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city which I think is gonna be perfect There. Create a little old New Orleans essence Now we can go about our business here and even develop photographs if we want to - Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? I don't know. It's like you're removed - No, I'm fine. - Really? I don't know. You seem sorta distant Let's just do it, all right? Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing - That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body Yeah, but I want the whole thing Well, I need grass Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing - Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? We're supposed to be making love This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good Let me explain how I work I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out You know you're gonna fall down But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very¡­ I'm kinda classy Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like¡­ place looks wonderful from here And you folks look wonderful from here And seeing you there with a smile on your face Makes me shout ¡°This must be the place¡± Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you ¡°I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.¡± ¡°The word to remember is Jeanne d¡±Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom ¡°I met a big lumberjack¡­¡± Jesus! This guys pathetic. Look at him mincing around. He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. Lm in the wrong business. I know it. ¡°But¡­ ch¨¦ri¡­¡± ¡°What will I do with this?¡± ¡°Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!¡± They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? Where am I? I have to reorient myself This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always¡­ tense¡­ I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was¡­ - You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful And I'm starting to get more of the references too Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's completely different I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father - They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner I think they're gonna really like you It's a nice ham this year, Mom Oh, yeah Grammy always does such a good job A great sauce! It is. It's dynamite ham We went over to the swap meet Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames We really had a good time Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years Yes. I'm making excellent progress pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib - Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie - He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes I can't believe this family Annie's mother is really beautiful And they're talking swap meets and boat basins And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? - His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? Is that an excuse? Diabetes? The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job - Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? Sure! Defend him! pass the wurst there Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary You don't say! How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? - We fast. - Fast? No food. To atone for our sins What sins? I don't understand To tell you the truth, neither do we Alvy Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? This is my room Oh, yeah? It's terrific Can I confess something? I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand Sometimes when I'm driving on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly head-on into the oncoming car I can anticipate the explosion The sound of shattering glass. The¡­ flames rising out of the flowing gasoline Right. Well¡­ I have to go now, Duane, because I¡­ I'm due back on the planet Earth - Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy - He is adorable. - Do you think so? - You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get¡­ - You followed me. - I didn't follow you You followed me! I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following - What is your definition of following? - I was spying - Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy That is the worst kind of paranoid I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? You're having an affair with your professor That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! It's all mental masturbation We finally get to a subject you know about Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat Neat. Are you 12 years old? - That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass You've always had hostility towards David - You call your teacher David? - It's his name It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment You don¡°t think l¡±m smart enough. We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? - I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up I told her about the family and my feelings towards men and my relationship with my brother She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love All this happened the first hour? I've been going for 15 years. I don't have¡­ nothing like that I told her my dream and then I cried You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic I whine. I sit and I whine In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe - Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself It's a perfect analytic kind of insight She said your name was Alvy Singer - What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice What did the doctor say? I should probably come five times a week I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? - Will it change your wife? - My life - You said, ¡°Will it change my wife?¡± - I said, ¡°Will it change my life?¡± - You said wife. - Life! I said life She said, ¡°Will it change my wife?¡± You heard that, so I'm not crazy I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously because you don't think I'm smart enough Why do you always bring that up? Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? You meet wonderful, interesting professors Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher And why are you following me around? - I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? We use a large vibrating egg A large vibrating egg? Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! Here. You look like a very happy couple - Are you? - Yeah So how do you account for it? I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say - And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting So you've managed to work out something, huh? Well, thanks very much for talking to me Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. - We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? You're always leaning on me to improve myself You must be getting your period I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character Can't I be upset once in a while? Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date I don't wanna go out with any other women I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills Especially when he sang, ¡°She takes just like a woman.¡± ¡°And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.¡± ¡°And she aches just like a woman.¡± ¡°But she breaks just like a little girl.¡± After that, the most charismatic event I covered was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden - That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis You have a raccoon? A few The only word for this is transplendid It's transplendid I can think of another word He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem I'm a Rosicrucian myself I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. Look. There's God coming out of the men's room It's unbelievably transplendid! I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish Oh, no. Don't be¡­ Don't be silly. You know, I¡­ I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience Oh. Thank you I mean that as a compliment I think¡­ I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm You know, to make up for empty areas in life Who said that? I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb Oh, hi! Uh¡­ no. What¡­ What's the matter? You sound terrible No. Sure, I¡­ What kind of emergency? No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now Just stay there. I'll come right over It's me. Open up. Are you OK? What's the matter? Are you all right? There's a spider in the bathroom What? There's a big, black spider in the bathroom You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray You never know who's gonna crawl over And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher¡­ Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? Oh, yeah? Really? How'd you like it? Was it¡­ I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? It was just great Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert to come over and kill the spider? I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? Since when do you read the National Review? - What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? Not only that. You look thin and tired It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for¡­ I got the good chocolate - Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was 30, OK? It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick - What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion What, are you joining a minstrel show? Don't worry! I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? - Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't¡­ What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? What's the matter? I don't know. I miss you - Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah - Alvy? - What? Was there somebody in your room when I called you? - What do you mean? - Was there¡­ I thought I heard a voice I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set I was watching¡­ Alvy, let's never break up again I don't wanna be apart I think we're both much too mature for something like that Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? Better than either one of my marriages There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun I mean, I know it's hard. It's¡­ Alvy, what about¡­ what if we go away this weekend? Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you Yeah, it would Oh, my God! It's a great day! Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! I've never even been to Brooklyn I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it I used to lose my glasses a lot Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live Holy cow! You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store I have some very good memories there Your mother and father fighting all the time? Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things - You fired the cleaner? - She stole! She's coloured! They have enough trouble! - She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! - Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? - You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max Leo, I married a fool! Hey, Max. What's that? That's the welcome-home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend He was always bothering me when I was a kid Joey Nichols. See? Nickels See? Nickels You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name Just think of Joey Five Cents That's me! Joey Five Cents! What an asshole The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie I was always the sister with good common sense Tessie was always the one with personality When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt She was once a great beauty Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality I was a great beauty - How did this personality come about? - I was very charming There were many men interested in you? Oh, I was quite a lively dancer That's very hard to believe Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday - Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close Yeah, but no presents till midnight I wonder what this is - Happy birthday. - What is this? Is this a present? Are you kidding? - Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't¡­ - This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life - Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? - Check it out. - Let me see OK. Let's see Oh, God! You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific Just put on the watch and the¡­ and that thing and everything Oh, God. Oh Seems like Old times Having you To walk with Seems like Old times Having you to walk with And it's still a thrill Just to have my arms around you Still the thrill That it was the day I found you Seems like Old times Dinner dates and flowers Old times Staying up all hours Making dreams come true Doing things we used to do Seems like old times Here with You Thank you You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great And¡­ and you know¡­ you were sensational Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience It makes it really easy for me because I can be¡­ Excuse me Hi, I'm Tony Lacey We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set Oh, yeah, really? I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot That's really nice. Thanks a lot Are you recording? Do you¡­ Are you with any label now? Me? No No. Not at all Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance - possibly working together. - Well, that's nice Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours Thank you very much This is Shaun and Bob and¡­ Bob and petronia Hi We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you We can just sit and talk. Nothing¡­ Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow Remember we have that thing What thing? Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were¡­ We had a¡­ Oh, the thing! Yeah¡­ Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it Nice to have met you. Good night Bye What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun It would be nice to meet some new people I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow I have a tendency to¡­ If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot It's not good for my¡­ So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? That was the last day I remember really having a good time - We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied - How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? - Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week - The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me Then¡­ I don't know¡­ Six months ago I would have done it just to please him I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb But the thing is, since our discussions here I feel I have a right to my own feelings I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose There's the nasal membrane - You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome - Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new You didn't say it couldn't be sick Come on, Alvy Do your body a favour. Try it I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it And they were a million laughs Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California Oh, you know, we're going to California next week It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television You act like you're violating a moral issue We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot How much is this stuff, incidentally? It's about $2,000 an ounce Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never¡­ I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi And the women are like the women in playboy magazine only they can move their arms and legs I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills The architecture's so consistent French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese God! It's so clean out here They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas Can you believe this is Christmas? It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally Santa Claus'll have sunstroke Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging There's no economic crime But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show And we're invited to a big Christmas party All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here ¡­ limousine to the track break down? A little bigger Max, you realise how immoral this all is? - Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs ¡­ home so early. Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie We do this show live in front of an audience And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny That's why this machine is dynamite Honey, you¡°d better lie down. You¡±ve been in the sun too long. Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here And then a big hand Is there booing on that? Oh, Max I don't feel well - What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got¡­ very dizzy - I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down Oh, Jesus! - Are you all right? - I don't know - You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning - How about a ginger ale? - Oh¡­ Max, no Maybe I'd better lie down Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken Oh, no. I can't eat this I'm nauseous If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious - You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? - I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything - Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here Can I have the salt, please? perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on This is not bad, actually Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie All the good meetings are taken Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea Like this house, Max? I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party What difference does that make? - I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max - he goes with that girl over there. - Where? The one with the VpL Visible panty Line - Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max - Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson Yeah. Intensive care ward My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole - Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? - Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST - Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis - He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? - You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here We're gonna operate together We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album I don't know. This is strange to me You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have - Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? I don't know Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond - Then you know who lived here? - Trigger Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing That's great - But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but¡­ It's so dirty now I'm into garbage. It's my thing This is a really nice screening room, Tony There's another thing about New York If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing We saw Grand Illusion here last night Hey, that's a great film if you're high Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing No, thanks, man. I'm cool It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day And gradually you get old and die It's important to make an effort once in a while Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite Yeah. I forgot my mantra That was fun. I don¡°t think California¡±s bad at all. Its a drag coming home. A lot of beautiful women. It was fun to flirt. I have to face facts. I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. What do I need this? If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. Alvy, let's face it. You know¡­ I don't think our relationship is working I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark It has to constantly move forward, or it dies And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine It sure has¡­ You wrote your name in all my books cos you knew this day was gonna come Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm Oh. Thanks, Annie Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us to explore new relationships and stuff like that There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot My analyst thinks this move is key for me And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? And you know what the beauty part is? - We can always get back together again. - Exactly I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there - He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard He may have¡­ Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there Don't tell me you're jealous Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea Can I show you something, lady? I have here¡­ I found this in the apartment Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap Don't ask me why Why don't you go out with other women? Well, I tried. But it's¡­ you know, it's very depressing This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster - I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? 16 years ago What do you mean? Mean? You stopped smoking 16 years ago. Is that what you said? I don't understand Are you joking or what? Central park's turning green Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates Listen, I¡­ I want you to come back here Well¡­ Then I'm gonna come out there and get you What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in I¡­ Well, I flew in to see you Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? Because I feel that I got a temperature And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good Wherever you wanna meet. I don¡°t care. L¡±ll drive in. I rented a car. Lm driving. What do you¡­ What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and¡­ a plate of mashed yeast You look very pretty Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all Well¡­ you look nice I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married Oh, Alvy. Come on Why? You wanna live out here? It's like living in Munchkin Land What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here I mean, Tony's very nice And¡­ well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more So¡­ you're not gonna come back to New York? What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you That's right. You only gave me books with the word ¡°death¡± in the title Cos it's an important issue Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life You're like New York City. You're just this person You're like this island unto yourself I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is If one guy is starving someplace, that's¡­ it puts a crimp in my evening So you wanna get married or what? No. We're friends I wanna remain friends OK Check, please! You're mad, aren't you? Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that Alvy, I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. I really can't You know how wonderful you are You know you're the reason that I got out of my room and that I was able to sing and get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap Anyway, look, I don't wanna¡­ Listen, listen, listen¡­ So what are you up to anyway, huh? The usual, you know. I'm trying to write. I'm working on a play So what are you saying? You're not coming back to New York with me? No. Look¡­ I gotta go - I flew 3,000 miles to see you. - I'm late Air miles. You know what that does to my stomach? It's a hectic time for Tony. The Grammies are tonight - The what? - He's got a lot of records up for awards They give awards for that music? I thought just earplugs Just forget it! Let's just forget the conversation Awards! They do nothing but give out awards! I can't believe it Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a great driver. I have some problems with¡­ Can I see your licence, please? Just don't get angry or anything, cos I¡­ I have my licence here It's a rented car and I¡­ I¡­ Here Don't give me your life¡­ story Just pick up the licence You have to ask nicely cos I've had an extremely rough day. My girlfriend¡­ Just give me the licence, please Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse I have a terrific problem with authority It's not your fault. Don't take it personal So long, fellas. Keep in touch Imagine my surprise when I got your call, Max Yeah. I had the feeling that I got you at a bad moment I heard high-pitched squealing Twins, Max 16-year-olds Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that? You're an actor, Max. You should be doing Shakespeare in the park I did Shakespeare in the park, Max. I got mugged I was playing Richard II, and two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard Max, are we driving through plutonium? It keeps out the alpha rays, Max You don't get old You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle? What is so incredibly great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. You didn't read it till I gave it to you You only give me books with ¡°death¡± in the title - It's an important issue. - You are totally incapable of enjoying life You're like New York. You're an island OK. If that's all that we've been through together means to you I guess it's better if we just say goodbye, once and for all You know, it's funny, after all the serious talks and passionate moments that it ends here, in a health-food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard Goodbye, Sunny Wait I'm gonna go with you I love you What do you want? It was my first play You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life Interestingly, however, I did run into Annie again It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan She had moved back to New York. She was living in SoHo with some guy. And when I met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the pity, which I counted as a personal triumph. Annie and I had lunch sometime after that and¡­ just kicked around old times. Just to have my arms Around you Still the thrill that it was The day I found you Seems like Old times Dinner dates and flowers Old times After that, it got pretty late and we both had to go. But it was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ¡°Doc, my brother¡±s crazy. He thinks he¡°s a chicken.¡± And the doctor says, ¡°Well, why don¡±t you turn him in? And the guy says, ¡°I would, but I need the eggs.¡± Well, I guess thats pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, theyre totally irrational and crazy and absurd and¡­ But I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.