You want to know the truth about high school.
You've got to break it down into its elements.
Unfortunately, at St. Donovan's,
the periodic table is more crooked than a case of scoliosis.
Just give me the chance and I'll set it all straight.
Case in point, Spanish homework.
"Dame un batido de esperma" does not mean "take me to the airport".
It means, "give me a sperm milkshake".
And 22 kids gave that as an answer in Spanish 3 last week.
I'm not sure about the milkshake,
but somebody is sure feeding us something sticky.
Every clique on campus is copying the same damn homework.
Burn-outs, pretty boys, drama-dorks, jocks, debaters, player-haters,
you name it.
It's big all right.
And I'm on it like pink rubber bands on your little sister's braces.
The name's Bobby Funke I write for the paper.
Wait, wait a second. Who?
Bobby Funke. I write for the paper.
No, you don't. I'm Tad Goltz,
and I write for the paper. You don't write for shit.
Wait, aren't you the freshman they tied to the snowman penis?
Sophomore.
Bobby, you can't expect us to give you a story like this
when there's nothing written and there's hardly proof.
Look, Clara, I'm the best writer you've got tell me differently.
You've never finished an article.
Well, then, do you want to go to homecoming with me?
No.
Clara Diaz, editor in chief and one tough cookie
All I wanted was a taste
Friedrich Nietzsche said,
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
But 10 buck says Nietzsche never got a swirly
I can't talk right now, Clara.
Look, I feel really bad about what happened.
I know you're going for that Northwestern program
and I have an assignment for you.
Take you to homecoming? Heard you're going with Tad.
- You know what Tad's short for, right? - Theodore?
No. Vagina.
Look it up.
I want you to write a story on the student body president.
- Really? - Really.
Just get it on paper this time, okay?
Okay.
Finally, my big break It was just the story I needed
to get into the Northwestern Summer Journalism program
Instead of delivering papers this summer, I'd be well on my way to writing for them
Give me a piece of loose leaf.
Come on, give me a piece of loose leaf.
Give me a pen.
What happened to the last pen I gave you?
Give me a pen, Funke. Give me a pen.
Just take it.
Everybody paid attention when Francesca Fachini walked into a classroom
She was the national merit scholar,
the varsity soccer captain, and the president's girlfriend
I'd interview her for the story, just as soon as I grew some testicles
What?
I'm fine. How are you?
The president was a busy man, an important man,
and he was about to give me the story of my high-school career
Could you please state your name, year and Social Security number?
Paul Moore, I'm a senior.
I'm not going to give you my Soc.
Aren't you the freshman they tied to the snowman penis?
Sophomore.
As president, how would you say you are going to handle
the recent drop in ACT and SAT scores?
Well, what would you have me do about it?
Seriously, you've seen me on the boards. I'll do whatever it takes it get it done.
And that's a Paul Moore promise. To you, to St. Donovan's.
To Paul Moore. You know what I'm talking about?
After 30 minutes in the shower, one thing was clear
Paul was all length and no depth
He didn't give you a whole lot? How could he not give you a whole lot?
Look at the guy. People love him.
He's like fucking JFK, he's smart, he's charismatic, he's good-looking,
he's a tenacious athlete.
I'm sorry, Tad. I didn't realize you felt that way about him.
Sad.
Ongatumamwe with the rebound! The man from Sudan!
Come on! Call that!
That's a timeout, Friars
Come on, bring it in, bring it in. Let's go.
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